The straight library knocks the analogue.

Dear _______,

You hurt me. You hurt me so bad. You have left me bruised, beaten up and severely damaged from the things you have done. I have always put the blame on myself for everything that has happened. All this time, I thought lowly of myself because I really thought that I was wrong. But now I’m realizing that it’s not.

I loved you from the very start and I respected you. Then there were reasons for me to get jealous because you seemed to receive the happiness that I’ve always wanted while I was there in my own little ditch. I ignored those feelings of hate and jealousy and tried to sow them into love for our own good.

What hurts the most is that when I finally gain my  happiness, why do you have to ruin it?

And when everything started crashing down, why did you have to take an ice pick and pierce me where it hurts the most? My heart had a place for you in it, no matter how many times you made me unhappy (intentional or unintentional).

I never kicked you out. In fact, I tried to hold on to you more. But I’m tired. I am so fucking tired of trying to hold on and make things better for you, me and all of us. It’s unfair. You’re unfair.

I can never explain how much damage you have caused me. I don’t think my tears will be enough to express how much you hurt me. You don’t even dare ask me what’s wrong. You just say sorry, but you don’t even try to make it all better.

I’m done.

Hands down to you.

Here I am, early Christmas morning, sitting in front of the laptop, writing my heart out. My relatives are playing Bingo nearby. I was on a roll, until I suddenly called it quits. There was a sudden rush of feeling in my system. A feeling I’ve been trying to avoid since this morning. Afterall, it’s Christmas – time to throw out the negativity and make room for the festive holiday spirit.

But you know, sometimes all it takes is one second to make everything come back to you. To make you remember. To sink in. To hurt you.

I can’t avoid it. I can’t help it. I told myself that my feelings for you won’t get the best of me, but somehow it always seems to find a way to do just that. As I write this, I am tearing up inside. Maybe I’m overwhelmed. Maybe I just need you.

I’m an emotional rollercoaster right now. I hate and love you at the same time. I’ve never cried and thought of a guy as much as I’ve thought and cried over you. I want this to stop, believe me, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. No, not like this. Not when I feel like you’re leaving me hanging.

Are you still happy?

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I’m not ready for this. I’ve always thought that we’d be fine together. You and I, we were never ready for this. But we were so infatuated with each other, that I guess…we rushed into things.

I need you to tell me…you want this.You want us. I need you to tell me we’re going to be fine.

I need you to wrap me in your arms and tell me that you love me.

I was watching MTV the other day when this OPM music video suddenly played. All my friends know that I do not appreciate OPM music. Sorry. It’s just really not my thing. I mean, I am proud to be Filipino and I am deeply interested in my country’s culture (this including the music as well), but I just really don’t feel it. I firmly believe that everyone has their own taste. So respect, okay? Don’t take this against me.

The only OPM band that I love is Pedicab. For some reason, I am drawn to their songs. Then this music video suddenly comes up and I recognize one of the artists of the band. It was the fashion Designer, Mich Dulce. The next person I recognized was the director, Quark Henares. My eyebrows couldn’t help but knit together in confusion as I thought, “Since when did they form a band?”

I actually love the song. The video is so cute too. I heard this commercial about their album launch and they previewed some of their songs on their upcoming album, “Dirty Debutantes”. They’re pretty good.

This is the video I saw.

It’s the first time that I heard Mich Dulce and Quark Henares sing. Their voices are awesome together.

With Mich Dulce in mind, I decided to Google her designs. They’re so fun, creative and quirky. It makes me want to dress up too. I haven’t done that in a long time…

Which reminds me, I can’t wait for Saturday. Big parties are such a good excuse to dress up.

“I’m scared, but that doesn’t mean I’m not serious about you.” he said.

I used to be the one who wanted to shove him out of my way. I used to be the one so scared to entertain the fact that he’s already liking me back. I used to be the one who was difficult to deal with because I didn’t know if I was ready for a relationship or not.

But now that Im slowly overcoming my fears, his start building up. I found out from his best friend that he’s not ready to have a relationship yet. But the only thing that’s holding him back from that belief of his is the fact that he loves me. I was adviced to wait.

Wait, wait and wait. The thing I fear about waiting is that there’s no telling how easily our emotions can be swayed, especially since we’re not officially together.  For all we know, a girl could come along, prettier and hotter and sweep him off his feet. The same goes for me. A guy could come along and easily make me fall for him.

Wouldn’t all this be time well wasted, then?  That’s pretty sad.

I guess I fear the fact that we might lose each other, just because we don’t have a firm status or  label as our relationship deepens. The I love yous have been said. Lips have met, over and over again. So, what are we? What exactly are we doing?

I want to hear it straight from him.

And I don’t want him to answer the same way Chuck Bass did at that time. If you all don’t remember, Chuck goes, “I…I…I…” unsure, tongue-tied, pretty much clueless on what to say.

I shouldn’t really be overthinking this. This shouldn’t really be headache for me. But he matters to me that much and all I can do is wait.